I am an unapologetically anxious alternative Mum and of course, known as the anxious Mum when it comes to the playground.
Your stereotypical loner, looking at the phone, the floor and anywhere but the other parents. Standing alone, little smiles here and there and nods of the head. But really, I am anxious. I don’t talk to people and make casual conversation. I’d never dream of going up to someone and talking either.
I refuse to apologise for how I am, this is me.
When you think of your typical playground parent types, you have the group of parents that have known each other from the dawn of school time. They likely have more children that are friends together, kids were in nursery together and get on really well. Then you have your alternative parent – this is becoming more common now than when I took my 15 year old to school 10 years ago. You have the Dads that stand together having a natter. But then there are at least 5 parents stood on their own.
I remember once hearing some ‘Mum’s’ talking about one parent that stood on her own. This was ooh about 9/10 years ago. Bitching about her not talking to anyone and how she must be stuck up and all sorts. I went over and said hello and from there we struck up a friendship. Admittedly, I did stick my fingers up quite often to the parents!
So I don’t do being around groups of people very well, I will admit, I feel super uncomfortable. This isn’t a new thing, this has happened since I became really ill and was the subject to malicious gossip and hate through people I used to be friends with. It ruined my confidence and I had no one.
Even now, years later, I lost everything about me and became socially awkward. But also struggling with chronic illnesses at the same time. It’s really not easy.
I stroll into the playground looking confident, this I perfected very well over the years. But inside, I am thinking ‘Please, can the kids hurry in so I can go back to the comfort of my own home’.
I’m the same when I am out too, I walk around looking confident but inside I am shaking like a leaf. Hoping I am not going to faint. I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and every day is a struggle. Along with debilitating chronic fatigue from having Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.
But as well as this, I am not your typical Mum type either. My style is a mix of ‘can’t be arsed as I work from home’ with the odd band t-shirt and even ugg boots or converse. I must seem like I can’t make my mind up on my style, as much as I can’t make my mind up about what project I am working on that day.
I blame the scatterbrains on my chronic illnesses.
This is the thing, most mornings I am waiting for my painkillers to kick in, my medications to do their magic and my obligatory wake-up coffee to make me feel less like a zombie.
So I scramble around throwing clothes together and manage to make myself look semi-presentable.
People who see me must think I am perfectly fine. You see, the problem with a chronic illness is that we can hide it very well and portray a normal life. But inside, we are screaming, crying, going insane. But we have families to look after so we have to be strong.
But those that see me on social media, know some part of the struggles I face as I share them on Testing Time Blog.
I’m very open that I am chronically ill.
I am strong.
Every morning is a fight to get up. I am fortunate that I have a supportive other-half. However, I feel a deep sadness that I am not able to do as much as I should be doing. I’m doing my best and that is all I can do. The guilt of being ill will never leave.
So I might appear to be ignorant and not wanting to speak to anyone, this is not the case. I won’t approach anyone because I am super anxious. I am the anxious Mum. Some days I am in so much pain, I am struggling to stand but I have to pretend I am okay as I feel ashamed.
But not only that, I am also in a lot of pain, struggling with pre-syncope and trying to just get the job done. I do look for a natural solution to managing my illnesses, from CBD oil to lavender capsules. I also drink a lot of tea like turmeric tea and look after myself really well.
I am an unapologetically anxious alternative Mum and you know what, I don’t care anymore. This year, I decided that I wouldn’t care what anyone thought anymore. I’d just get on with life and I am only there for about 10 minutes twice a day. I can do this!
I’m not feeling quite so daring to rock up in my usual garb and rocking my make up, maybe next year.
Unapologetically Anxious Alternative Mum
Did you know that it is really common for parents to be anxious in the playground? I read an article from Mind which talks about a Mum who feels the same.
I tried the whole ‘making friends’ and it makes things complicated for me. I’m not someone who can let people in very easily and even now, I can’t say I have many ‘friends’ because I have been let down by so many over the years that I feel that I can no longer trust people.
So I might be stood there, looking at my phone and seeming very ignorant, this is not the case.
I bet when you go to school drop off, you see an Anxious Mum.
It’s likely they are feeling the same as I described. But I am lucky I don’t have the feelings of dread. I just want it over quickly and less painful as possible.
If I could wear headphones and blast music, I think I would be less anxious about it. But I don’t think it is playground etiquette to do this!
There is something called ‘The Playground Mafia‘ and it hosts a group of parents that rule the roost for that class or even the school, depending on the size. Typically, they know all the gossip, gossip about any parents they can outside of their group and rarely let new parents in.
It’s scary, especially when it is your first child and even more so when you are young. Typically they are the Mum’s in their 30’s.
Alright, so I am a Mum in my 30’s but I am the only Mum with a 14 and 15 year old child (in 2020). Their oldest is typically below year 6. I’ve done it all, twice! I’m now watching my oldest get ready to leave his final year of high school.
And all I can think of is how I have 4+ years of primary school and then 5 years of high school. This makes me feel even more anxious.
I’m not a parent that gets active with school things. Maybe I should! I used to bring in a whole host of baked goods for the bake sales they do. One year I even gave the teachers a fresh cream and strawberry victoria cake. Just to say thanks! Although I don’t see this happening for a while because of how the world is right now.
I’m an anxious Mum, an alternative Mum and a loner. Not sure how many times I will say this throughout this post. But there are many parents in my shoes and it’s fine! We can be a loner together.
Do they know anything about me?
No. They don’t know anything about me at all. That I love to cook and bake, I adore reading about serial killers and that I am intelligent, business-minded and can do a whole range of things from writing to creating fun things for the kids! Or that I read Tarot cards. I’m brilliant at sewing and would be handy for someone to help with things here and there. But the anxiety stops me from telling them.
Maybe they will think I am weird if I told them the things I like and get up to.
I know there are going to be Mum’s reading this and feeling the same way. We’re not alone, there is plenty of us in every single class, in every single school.
Being An Alternative Mum
I’ve battled this for many years, I feel I have to look a certain way when doing the school run. I feel I can’t be myself and that I have to look at least presentable.
Sometimes I feel I should wear make-up and make myself look less sick. I feel embarrassed at times when I look horrific.
Regardless of how I feel, I’m not planning on changing. I’m going to remain an anxious Mum, alternative Mum and myself.
I wonder if it is a little bit harder for those that are alternative? I know it was many years ago when I did look more alternative as I changed my style a bit since and I am more reformed and toned down. But I still ache for purple hair…
This is really a rambling post and not sure what I am going to get out of it. Maybe people agreeing that they are the same and stand in the corner of the playground, alone, wishing for the kids to go in/come out.
You are not alone!
Are you an anxious Mum, alternative Mum, a loner Mum like me? How do you deal with the playground?
